Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It may be great. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully outside of put. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")

As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Indeed, certain, let us have An additional put wherever American Males can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: present All people a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is delicate energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It really is that he should really prevent applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."

Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from space, a aspect being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, classified.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following finding the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.

"It is not merely unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Options

Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium where company may contemplate imprecise disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Regulate set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Nearby Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Appear"

The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Endlessly."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

18% explained "in which's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"

The undertaking is currently attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will also include things like:

A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a lodge where by my PTSD can have change-down services."

An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences suggest:

China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to Trump Tower Damascus construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Ultimate Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

Report This Page

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires